Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die