I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat