Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Ugh but profoundly
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.