9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Godspeed, John Glenn