Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better