@michaeljhudson: Prank: put a bucket of water on top of the door, then shoot your roommate in the stomach. When the cops come, they get soaking wet!
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
@UncleDuke1969: Him: I'm making you Produce Manager. Me: A PLUM assignment! H: ... M: You're a PEACH! H: ... M: Do I start today or TOMATO? H: You're fired.
@ericsshadow: In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
@cheeky__gal: After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.