@michaeljhudson: Prank: put a bucket of water on top of the door, then shoot your roommate in the stomach. When the cops come, they get soaking wet!
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@kumailn: The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
@jonnysun: JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok
@Lisa_Laughs_: I don't talk about my ex's because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they're dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
@Terry_maximo: [funeral] *walks up to give eulogy* *pulls notes out of pocket* "Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails." *folds notes* *sits back down*