Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
#ProTip
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
True
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.