What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Life hack
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this