Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!