Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance