18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Note to self: always read the final line
New favorite tiktok
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”