Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You Might Also Like
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
some things should go without saying
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I think I’m having a stroke
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.