Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”