Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.