Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Someone just threatened to call me later
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me