Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
In case you needed to hear it:
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃