@alizmay: Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date] girlfriend: *takes some of my fries* me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
@tylerschmall: Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
@ABurgerADay: It's okay if you didn't notice that I switched my beard trimmer's setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
@flashember: [Courtroom] Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you? "No sir, it was...THE GROUND!" *courtroom erupts* *handcuffs are thrown on the ground*