Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.