Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My love language is deader than Latin
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow