Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You Might Also Like
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
then why did i get this email
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?