@farahfergie: Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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@ValeeGrrl: Husband said, "If you were really THAT funny you wouldn't have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY." So now I have a tombstone to select
@SortaBad: If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can't be far behind.
@iwearaonesie: [movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work