Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.