Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.