Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Otters see a butterfly.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.