Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.