[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together