[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You Might Also Like
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great