“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Mmmm. Shoeshi
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Going to church you guys need anything
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most