Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.