[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table