Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.