My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
So true for me
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.