demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Cake!!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.