[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
You Might Also Like
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit