@KentWGraham: “Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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@Just_Lee_: When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
@SarahFemme: I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.