“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,