If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You Might Also Like
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.