@treywafer: Press "three" for Spanish, and press "fo" for Ebonics
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@BillMc7: Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
@PaperWash: [while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol
@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church