Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
this makes me so uncomfortable
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.