@Ryan_Patricks: Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
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@daplusk: Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and i feel i failed as i should've thought of that joke
@UncleDuke1969: Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
@delusions_of: The guy at the urinal next to me doesn't appreciate my theories on "Game of Thrones".
@ohthatbadger: X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that? Me: He's on paws. X: … Me: 😁 On… paws. X: I hate you so much.