Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.