*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Was it something I said?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My teenage children choosing violence
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.