@jimmytorosian: Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put "delicious" in their name. Like calm down. You're still just an apple. You ain't no prize.
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@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
@WheelTod: [Antarctic Courtroom] Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn't you, Pingu!” Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice” Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench” Walrus: “No. I...” *Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
@WheelTod: Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.