Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
me, after any kind of buffet.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son