Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The “baby” on the left….
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke