“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Lmao the reply
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
dads on road-trips be like
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.