@robdelaney: Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare* DC: Which room will you be working out in? Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.