People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”