It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
All food is good if you spell it wrong
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.