Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
You Might Also Like
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I hope they boil the right one.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭