Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
True
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
How dude HOW?!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.