Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Life with a cat in one tweet
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
This is my cat’s medicine.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.