Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
all bases covered
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.