Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose