Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
one of
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No